Speed Dating
by clichE10
Summary: Harry is virtually naked, in the Gryffindor Common Room, sitting alone with Ronald and bunch of maniac girls on a Saturday night. It was truly a night to remember, unfortunatly for Harry, it will scar him for life.


Most _normal _teenagers would be out enjoying themselves at night, particularly on a Saturday night. _I _was tied to the armchair adjacent to the fireplace. Seriously folks, I was _literally_ tied up to a chair, in the Gryffindor common room, with my underwear and _only _my underwear on.

I wasn't wearing briefs, or boxers. Mind you, I was raised by muggles, extremely _malicious_ muggles. I didn't own a single piece of proper underwear. So here I was, humming contently to myself, wearing Vernon's, _not_ _Dudley's,_ underwear on. It had toy boats on them; I think you could just imagine how _swell_ those fit me. I was virtually _naked_.

To make things even more _splendid _then they already were. I would be speed dating tonight. Yes, with girls. The funny thing about this whole ordeal was, it wasn't my suggestion, and can you believe that? Yes, it is _very_ unbelievable. It was Ron's. My best friend, the one who I thought would _never_ betray me. Yes, the one who I thought would never _ever _steal my wand in the middle of the night, strip off all of my clothes, tie me up to a chair and force me to date fanatic girls.

Good 'old Ron. I love you, mate. Apparently, He thought it would help me attract more girls and to prove to the other roommates that I wasn't gay. Like, I couldn't get girls? I mean, just because I haven't dated for a few years, 3, doesn't mean I'm not into girls. Crazy right? Yeah, well, not everything in this world is explainable. It was more of a prank than anything really, a prank on the GREAT Harry Potter.

I was alone. Not that I _minded_ being alone, It was just creepy. No one was here…at least not yet. In the corner of my eye, I saw movement. Something bright shifted, and the person emerged. It was Ron. Oh goody! He approached me, looked me up and down and burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"Enjoying this are you?" I said calmly. Ron shook with unmanageable laughter. "So when do I start?"

Ron abruptly stopped and stared at me in disbelief. What a git. "You mean--y-you're not fazed by any of this? You're not _mad_ that I did this?"

"Gee, what a _great_ question," I replied through gritted teeth. "Let see, I have practically no clothes on, I need to scratch my nose very badly," I laughed somewhat bitterly. "But, I can't seem to do that right now because my hands are tied. What else…oh right…I'm about to speed date with girls who can eat me alive and…I'm hungry and need to pee."

Ron smiled. "At least it's a beautiful night!"

"Ron, you stupid _twit_, it's raining out there!" I glared daggers at him and if looks could kill, he would be 100, 000, 000, 000 feet below the ground. "But you know…I'm not going to let this get to me. No! I would _never_ give you that satisfaction."

"That's deep," Ron said clutching his heart. "I am_ truly_ moved." Ron walked towards the empty armchair adjacent to mine. "Well," he clapped his hands together. "Because you're my best mate, I'm going to make this a little less painful and be here with you."

"_Really_?" I asked sarcastically. "That's better than anything I could think of! Better than destroying Voldemort for good, better than all the galleons in the world, it's truly a _dream come true_" I finished dramatically.

"I thought so too," Ron said with a cheeky grin. "Well, let's bring out the lovely ladies!"

He clapped three times, snapped four times and stomped his foot once. "Err…what are you doing?" I asked exasperatedly.

"Harry," Ron shook his head pitifully. "A little on the slow side today, aren't you?" I glared at him. "Don't you know that's the international call for females? And everyone thinks _I'm_ the slow one." I shook my head and quickly caught sight of the first female walking into the room.

"Harry," Ron said. "I would love for you meet your first date…Amber Seabreast!"

She was tall with really nice legs, had a long mane of red hair, and green eyes…_emerald _green eyes. Her eyes were almond shaped…that was really creepy. She looked eerily like my mother. The same one who breastfed me when I was a baby….

"Now," Ron said, smiling at Amber, who was staring at me. "This is a speed date so it should only take 3 minutes…Go!" Amber took at seat in the empty wooden chair Ron had put in front of me.

"Hi _Harry,_" Amber said nastily. What a real charmer.

"Hi mum…Amber…I meant Amber, _Amber" _I felt small buds of sweat beginning to form on my forehead. "So Amber, do you have a brother?" What a great way to start a date. _Do you have a brother?_

"Well yes," She shook her head feverishly. "I have three of them. I've got lots of scars from fighting them; they're mostly on my stomach though!" She hesitated. "I have one that looks like a kangaroo, would you like to see it?"

"I rather not," I said hastily. _I rather keep my dinner __**down**__._ "So, what do you like to do for fun?"

"Fun?" She asked. I nodded slowly. "Well, I like to exercise. I like to hit things. You see, I have an anger issue. I like to hit things really hard. Once, I sent this kid to the hospital wing for staring at me." She looked pointedly at me.

I realized I've been staring at her and briskly turned away. She was very gusty and aggressive and looked awfully like my mother. Every time I'd kiss her, I'd be reminded of my mother. I could imagine having nightmares for the rest of my life.

"Err…what is your favorite dish?" I asked.

"Why?" She asked. "Are you saying that I'm fat?" She shifted in her seat and glared at me. "Are you saying that I need to lay off food?"

"Err…n-no…you have a lovely body…not that I was _looking_ at it…not that I don't _want_ to look at it. Y-you look great, you have nice legs. I-I mean…y-you have toned legs…oh…I'm sorry, please don't hit me, mum…I mean Amber, _Amber_."

Ron sniggered and I felt like striking him. Fortunately, he rang a bell that echoed throughout the common room. "Well, as much as I love watching Harry in pain, I must say that you're time is up, Miss. Seabreast."

She slowly got lifted herself from her seat and glared at me, _never breaking eye contact_. I'd rather face Voldemort right now.

She left the room and I wiped my head over to Ron. He had a smug expression implanted on his face that I wanted so desperately gone. He looked down to his lap, where my glares will certainly not be seen.

"I hate you,"

"Yeah, well, I don't need you to love me, do I?" He smiled. "I'm not the one who's tied up in my underwear, now am I?

"I hate you,"

"You're not struggling are you?" Ron asked smugly. "You're not in pain, am I correct?"

"I hate you,"

"I agree, let's bring out the next girl!" Ron performed his "female call," and in came the next female.

She was absolutely gorgeous. She had dirty blonde hair, brown eyes, she was wearing a delightful half-smile and resembled Hermione. She was wearing a thick blue head band, a matching blue dress, and converse shoes with different colored shoelaces on each.

"Hi, my name is Emma Radcliffe," She said amiably. She scrutinized me and her eyes flashed a look of pity for a second. "It's nice to meet you."

"Yeah, um," I began. "You look like my best friend." I said stupidly. She smiled at me and crooked her head. She took a seat.

"You look like my husband," She said pleasantly. I stared at her and looked around to face Ron, who was eying her.

"W-wait you're married?" I asked, looking incredulous. "You can't be more than 17 years old!" She frowned, huffed, and crossed her tanned arms over her chest. She looked _exactly_ like Hermione when she did that, it was weird. It was like clone night, first my mother and now Hermione.

"Well, I am truly in love with my husband! I love him! It's Daniel and Emma forever!" her voice became very shrill and loud. I visibly shuddered.

"If you're really in love, what are you doing here?" Ron asked bluntly. "You're wasting our time and yours." Emma glared at Ron and spoke with caution.

"I didn't come here for a _date._ I came here because I needed to ask Harry a few questions." She turned her attention back towards me. "I wanted to know if you ever acted. Like, in a movie."

"Err…no." I said somewhat slowly

"Do you want to?" She asked, irritated.

"Why?"

"I'm just asking!" She exclaimed

"But…why?" I asked gradually.

"Just answer the stupid question!"

"I never did and don't want to."

"Not even for the title of the richest teenager in Britain?" She asked relentlessly. She had this spark in her eye that made me realize she wasn't going to give up with her speculation.

"Already got that title"

"Not even for the fame and fortune?"

"Been there, done that." I yawned.

"Not even for the thousands of girls sending you fan mail, _everyday_?

"Here at Hogwarts, thousands of girls are sending me fan mail every _hour_…"

She looked crestfallen and hesitated before crying out. "Not even for me!?" I stared at her for 30 seconds and turned to gaze at Ron. I silently pleaded for help and he merely shrugged. I was desperate; I didn't know what to do. She looked very much like Hermione, and it felt like I was turning down my best friend.

"I-I thought you were married…"

"Oh I love Dan, but he doesn't have the same boyish personality that you have. He doesn't have glasses or messy hair, or a scar on his forehead. He acted on stage, naked, with a horse, for Merlin's sake! Please, take me! Come! Join me in the world of glamour and lights! Together we can rule the teen world!" She extended her arms radically and cried. "Take me away, Harry!"

"With pleasure," Ron said. He rang the bell and I noticeably shrunk with relief. She stood up abruptly and stared at me.

"You will be mine, Harry Potter! You will be, or my name isn't Emma Watson Radcliffe!" She turned her heel and left, her hair bouncing in effect. I needed a _nap_.

"That was fun!" Ron said giddily. "I like her!"

"Just,_ please_, bring out the next girl before I pee myself."

Ron smiled arrogantly and nodded. This is going to be a _**long **_night.

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**Review, my kittens**

**This is going to be three chapters! I promise! I'm a bad updater, but this shouldn't take to long to write. **

**This is going to be H/Hr **

**Yeah! **_**Zaterans!**_


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